So I can’t say that I haven’t been affected by Michael Jackson’s passing. Anyone who knows me well knows that I love to bust out MJ styled dance moves and have been doing so since I was a child. I know the lyrics to most of the song’s that he’s penned and own all of his major albums (including the 1st run gold edition of HIStory, which is already a collectors item).

But at the same time, I’m troubled because I know that the man’s life was rife with controversy. Why should I be sad because of his passing? I didn’t know Michael Jackson the man, and quite frankly I’m glad that I didn’t. His upbringing was tragic, he was a terrific liar, and he may have been guilty of everything he was accused of. I am sad because of the passing of Michael Jackson the public icon. It is the performer that people loved, and ultimately it is the performer that will be missed.

People talk about what the best Michael Jackson album/period of music was. My dad claims that it was Off the Wall, right when he found his independence but did music that was still mainstream. My co-worker claims that it was during Bad, because of how fun the music was. Dangerous has personal appeal to me, because I was too young to know any of the previous albums as “new”. I got to watch reruns of The Way You Make Me Feel video, but I didn’t get to see it when the was the premier video of the week. I got to listen to Beat It by watching old VHS tapes, but I didn’t get to hear it tear up the radio charts. Rap was the hot ticket in 1992 when Dangerous was released, and my fun poppy MJ music was somewhat of a relic in the world of a kid. I remember the exact moment, on my bed in our house in Antioch, while listening to my first radio ever when Mark S. Allen (of 102.5 KSFM, my favorite radio station back then) announced that he was going to play a NEW Michael Jackson song. When Slash’s guitar sang out from behind those thin wire speakers, and Michael sang, “I took my baby on a Saturday bang….” I remember my cheeks hurting because I was smiling so hard. It sounded like a traditional MJ song, yet… it was modern! And when the rap began, I began bouncing on my bed because I knew it was going to be a smash. Soon after, the video was released on prime time television after the Simpsons (the most popular show of the day). If I’m not mistaken, all of the major stations were premiering it. He had two or three major video debuts that all aired on prime time television, and the day after each, no one talked about anything else. Even Mrs. Fitz (may she rest in peace), our teacher gave us lessons on the new computer technology behind the special effects. And then the first trial happened and nothing was the same. Sad.

And while I do agree that his older music was the most fun and is the stuff people will always listen to most frequently, it was his newer music that truly was his best work. HIStory was an angry album full of depression. Michael even swore, using “damn” and “fuck” as well as featuring the Notorious B.I.G. rapping about being a “killing n*gga”. Of course, this truly artist work was his most personal, and when it became personal it became “ick”, for lack of a better word. The magic was gone, and none of us wanted to know MJ and his issues- we wanted our icon back. We wanted someone who resembled us, not a King who couldn’t stand to dress, much less look, like one of use. When Invincible came in the early 2000′s, the public liked his two hits but quickly forgot about them when the second trial hit. Yet soon after, in the clubs during the mid to late 2000′s, the public was rediscovering his older, fun music and his public image was recovering. But then Yesterday happened before either his new concert nor his new back-burner album was released.

I consider myself lucky to be born in the era that I was, because I had the fortune of being a child during the period when Michael Jackson was most popular and a universally accepted icon. It seems like at every major milestone in my youth, I was discovering a new MJ album. More than the music itself were the memories associated with it. I remember watching the old Moonwalker video with my cousins, imitating the moves, marveling at the dancing bunny, and flying around pretending to be the giant robot. My brothers, cousins and I played the Moonwalker videogame religiously, and even knew how to catch the shooting start and turn into the robot! I used to sneak behind my parent’s back to watch the video for Thriller, and then run off to bed scared and crying because of the zombies. Yet, that didn’t stop me from watching it again. I remember the crushes of my youth, and how each girl was associated with a Michael Jackson song. At junior high dances I first tried to spin and kick, only to be laughed at. I wouldn’t master it until a few years later, when I got to show off at high school dances. I would sing Man in the Mirror (I still do, at times) in the shower, inspired, wanting to make a change in the world. Michael Jackson as a performer helped inspired two important aspects of the adult person I am becoming (fyi, I don’t believe we every truly stop developing).

First, he had an amazing stage presence and I decided back then as a kid that I was going to perform. While it was quickly apparent that I was not going to become a singer or dancer, I found other spotlights to hold, such as track races in a pack stadium, teaching, and in public speaking. Of course, I still make the occasional weekend trips to the local Karaoke spot, where it’s fun to live out childhood fantasies three minutes at a time =P.

Second, I picked up the idea that each of us had a responsibility to the world community. In church they told us that we were to look out after our neighbor and they modeled how we were stewards of our community. Yet as a kid, Michael Jackson was the only person in the real world (and certainly the celebrity world) whom I ever saw doing real charity work and putting out the message out that we all need to contribute. Regardless of what his motivations for charity were or the fact that lots of celebrities were doing charity work in less conspicuous fashions, Michael was the one I saw and who inspired me. At one time (he still may, I don’t know), he held the world record for the most money given away to charity. I wanted to be rich so that I could give it all away.

It was strange. When I first heard about Michael’s passing, I didn’t feel sad, nor did I hope or wish that he were alive, as I have when learning about the passing of other people. I was able to accept immediately that he was no longer here. Maybe part of me was glad that Michael’s fallible human presence was no longer around to taint the memory of the pop icon who represented the better part of human nature. Or maybe as I get older I am learning not to fear death, but to accept it’s inevitability. Regardless, he is gone, and his passing is a reminder of my youth that passed long before he did. May it rest in peace.